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28/01/2008 11:41:04
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NeilWarren
Posts 645
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I have had some of my most memorable work moments in the company of a bunch of seasoned sales managers wheeling out their best ice-breakers. The following aren't really the "telling" kind, more from the Viz school of one liners, but I'm sure you'll be able to add one or two of your own.....
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
edited by NeilWarren on 28/01/2008
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11/02/2008 09:55:01
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JeanneWarren
Posts 9
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My sister sent over a few guidelines from the US equivalent of Billy Connolly that may help....
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show'
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just wa nt to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'
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17/03/2008 17:02:28
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NeilWarren
Posts 645
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OK so my man Edward is too shy to get on here and post his own, but this one he sent me is new (to me anyway).....
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
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18/03/2008 17:14:03
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eric david
Posts 17
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Who would have thought sales professionals appreciated such humour... very clever. I particularly enjoyed the one on the subject of being abducted by aliens. As both an X Files fan and the resident party animal I must admit having laughed more than a little. =)
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02/04/2008 12:35:20
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NeilWarren
Posts 645
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And some more thought-provoking questions from man of mystery "Ed"....
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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02/04/2008 19:08:07
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Nick de Cent
Posts 175
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Mr Warren, It's high time Mr McReynolds started posting his own jokes... and he clearly needs a lesson in evolutionary science. On the question 'If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?' it's pretty obvious that when species evolve the 'ones that are left behind' don't instantaneously die out, otherwise we wouldn't have dogs or cats, or crocodiles, fish or even bacteria. Oh course, there's every chance that people will soon be left behind by another more intelligent life form or indeed AI-based consciousness.
And the reason Tarzan doesn't have a beard is because it's important to keep up standards if you're a symbol of white colonial exploitation even when you're deep in the tropical rain forest.
Ok, so at least Ed's points were funny... ;-)
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02/04/2008 19:18:04
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JeanneWarren
Posts 9
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Methinks SOME people have too much time on their hands 
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04/04/2008 10:42:17
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NeilWarren
Posts 645
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Too much time! - Well does first hand experience of experiential training help then?.....
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
Night falls...
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f****** rabbit!"
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25/04/2008 14:19:35
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NeilWarren
Posts 645
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Another quick titter, courtesy of the low-profile Mr Ed, based on writing to that tried and tested Agony Aunt......
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs are phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs
up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently to
'Curves', although when I ask their names she always says, 'Just some
friends from work, you don't know them.'
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so
I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was
buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out
of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my Taylormade R7
appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro
shop where I bought it?
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15/05/2008 18:01:07
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BillyBoy
Posts 98
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Don't know if these "Tommy Cooper" one liners will help at all.....
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
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30/05/2008 11:00:13
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Nick de Cent
Posts 175
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A few of my salespeople friends are into racing and we got around to discussing the weird names owners sometimes give race horses….
Recently, in Australia, officials demanded that businessman Rodney Lane rename his two-year-old Aydee Fic after they discovered it had an obscene name in Arabic. Apparently, the horse developed a cult following with Lebanese punters who translated the name as ‘F*** you!’. In future, the nag will be known as Journey On.
From time to time wacky names do slip through the system despite the vetting process. Particular favourites are: Richard Cranium (Dick Head), who raced for several seasons; Wear The Fox Hat (Where The F**k's That?) was never banned; and Stun On raised a titter when punters read the gelding’s name backwards. 
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30/05/2008 11:52:54
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NeilWarren
Posts 645
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Or here's tale of caution for our older colleagues who are contemplating a peaceful retirement......
Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job with Bell Canada and bought 50 acres of land in Atlin, northern B.C. - as far from humanity as possible. Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month; otherwise it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a New Year's Eve party Friday night... Thought you might like to come... About 5:00..."
"Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn ya...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too! "
Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
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19/06/2008 14:31:12
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adam
Posts 11
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Or here's a helpful technique for sales people.....
Irish Boy's Confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'. The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?' 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Margaret Doyle?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Anne O' Neil?' 'My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Catherine 0' Toole, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Say 5 Hail Mary's and 1 Our Father' Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What did you get?'
'4 Months holiday and five good leads.'
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02/07/2008 10:38:53
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NeilWarren
Posts 645
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Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
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10/07/2008 10:46:43
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BillyBoy
Posts 98
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Oil Leak
A penguin is driving through Melbourne on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road.
The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.
The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.
The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.
He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice-cream will really hit the spot, since he's a penguin and it's Melbourne in the summer, after all.
He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream.
Of course the poor bastard has no hands so it is rather messy.
By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.
He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic,
"Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"
The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream.
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15/07/2008 19:10:13
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BillyBoy
Posts 98
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For the Parents amongst us - Subject: Dear Dad letter
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son,
Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home
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23/07/2008 11:10:36
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NeilWarren
Posts 645
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There I was on my way to work.
Getting into a fight was the furthest thing from my mind. It wasn't even on the horizon. I was in a great mood.
And then...
I rear-ended a car.
So there we are, at the side of the road and, slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just get sooo stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Well, I couldn't believe it... the driver was a dwarf!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
And that's when the fight started.
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24/07/2008 15:37:20
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BillyBoy
Posts 98
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DILEMMA
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in England, York to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:
You can save the life of Gordon Brown....
or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
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15/08/2008 17:30:45
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BillyBoy
Posts 98
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Got a few more in "the post" - thought some might like....
SHORTS:
Korea has recently brought out its own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack. It's called 'Not Poodle'.
The new Barbie doll comes with no shoes, no clothes, no make up, no car, no food and no house or farm. It’s called Zim-Barbwie.
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows lack of confidence.
My dad slipped on a tub of margarine and broke his leg. He's been in hospital for six weeks now... I can't believe he's not better.
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
LINKS:
Teaching the Wife about Guns
Blindingly Obvious Research - Award Winner
Which Bear S**t is which - in the Woods?
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17/08/2008 14:38:33
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Nick de Cent
Posts 175
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Don’t count your chickens
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, ‘but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit £20 million.’
Impressed, the woman took his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
The moral of the tale? Women are so much better at estate planning than men!
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